To Any Parent Who’s Child Has Been Abused,
I promise everything will be alright. I know that you’re blaming yourself. You’re asking yourself what could have been done different? You’re going over every detail in your head- picking at the little things that could have been a sign. You’re infuriated, depressed, confused, lost, and even insecure. Who can you trust? Where do you go? Should you report the abuse? What if the town, friends, family, or coworkers find out? You’re under the impression that they’ll exile you. You’re afraid they’ll tell you that it’s your fault- you should have known. You could have stopped it.
The hardest part about being a parent of a child who’s been abused is putting your insecurity, fear, and blame aside. Please realize that there was nothing that could have changed what happened to your child. Whether or not you could have stopped it has to be put aside now for your child. This is why:
Victims of abuse are extremely sensitive to words or phrases that their loved ones use. If there is a phrase that can cripple your child, it is saying “I’m sorry” or saying any phrase that has to do with how you’re hurting. Victims of abuse already blame themselves for what has happened- much like you might be doing to yourself already. Hearing that their parents or loved one is hurting because of what happened only transfers your emotions onto them. If you ever want to tell your child what you’re feeling, tell them that you love them and will be there for them if they ever need someone to listen. If they don’t talk about it, don’t interpret it as a anger towards you or panic about it. No one wants to talk about being exploited- expecially to those who are loved ones.
Maybe you feel as though you have “fix” your child. You might force them to see a counselor or immediately press charges. In the case of a young child (12 years or younger), I would encourage you to take your child to a counselor. Don’t hint at the fact that you want them to go. Just ask them, “Billy, I was wondering if we could go to counseling together sometime. I realize that what has happened has been hard to figure out, and counselors are great at helping people. I’ll make an appointment for next week. Is that okay with you?” Always make sure to ask your child if their comfortable with seeing counselors, doctors, police officers, ect. Though this process is burdensome, make it into a positive experience. If rape or physcial abuse was involved and there is still evidence of the attack, immediately take your child to the hospital. Remember to not make a scene- your child has already been humiliated, and they don’t need their parent expressing the attack to the rest of the community.
If your child is a teenager and young adult, you must learn to trust their judgement. Encourage counseling and involvement of the police, but do not tell them to do so. Pressure from the family against their wishes will make your child feel alienated- thus they will no longer open up about the experiences or how they feel which will inhibit healing. Support them, love them, and tell them you’re there for them if they ever decide to seek help. Again, if a rape or physcial abuse has taken place, and evidence is still visible, take your child to the hospital immediately regardless of their age, but don’t make a scene.
If your teenager or young adult is in an abusive relationship, let them know that you would like to talk to them about the signs of an abusive relationship, and create an open and positive discussion with your child. If they still don’t notice the abuse after talking about it, try inputting specific examples like: “I didn’t mean to listen to your conversation on the phone, but I noticed you were crying. I also have observed that Bobby has a tendancy to yell or scream at you. Do you ever think that you might deserve better from a boyfriend?” or “You know Katie, I’ve been seeing some odd bruises on your arms. I’m conserned for you- I will love you and be here for you no matter what. I know you love Josh, but if he’s been hurting you, you can always tell me.” This will give your child a way to start talking about the abuse wihtout feeling pressure. It might seem like a mountain to you, but it’s as simple as carying on a conversation with a friend.
Lastely, if you feel like your child has wronged you for letting abuse take place, I would suggest you seek a mental health specialist. I don’t have much advice for you except that no one ever asks to be beated, raped, emotionally manipulated, or sexually abused. The topic is much more complicated than what it seems. Even if you don’t match any of the descriptions written, I would suggest that every member of the family seeks counseling. Abuse not only effects the victim, but the family as well.
I know you will be a great parent and have the potential to help guide your child through these troubling times. Just remember, always ask if your child is comfortable with any new experience and be there for them as they begin to heal.
Sincerely,
Eliza Love
Becoming A Warrior 