Since this is my first post, I figured that I would start from the beginning and condense my own personal story…
Like most 16 year olds, I had a strong dislike for my family. I felt like I wasn’t supported, believed in, or trusted growing up, so I detached myself from family at a young age. I had many acquaintances but little friends. Whatever friends I did have I hardly trusted. One night, an acquaintance of mine came over with some friends to play manhunt in the back field.
One of the guests that night was tall, extremely confident, strong, and 22 years old. He was also an air force police officer. Or at least, that’s what he told me. Since he was in the military and a policeman, I trusted him with my life. Why wouldn’t I? He swore to uphold the law and protect citizens like me. Overtime we became close. He told me all about his girlfriend he was going to break-up with, the war stories in Afghanistan, and anything that had to do with the military. I told him all my hopes and dreams, the things that I hate the most, and almost every detail about who I was a person. I was starving for someone to care, and for the first three months of our “relationship” he seemed to care a lot. He was at my house to support me if my parents and I had a fight, he let me wear his dog-tags, and he always wanted to keep any physical contact to a minimum because he “cared about me” and “wanted to take it slow”.
When month four rolled around, he was anything but caring. He suddenly became unavailable when I needed him. When I would call, he would raise his voice and accuse me of being unbearable. Struggling with anxiety and acute depression, I called him in need. I continued to call until he answered- he didn’t have anything else to do that day. He had always answered. When he picked up the phone he was infuriated. He yelled and screamed, and when I told him I wanted to kill myself, he told me I should go ahead and do it. That’s just one example of the many times he would yell, insult, or become cold towards me for no legitimate reason. I stayed because I learned to trust him, he was one of the only people who had cared to listen, and I needed him to survive. I can’t remember when the grooming started, but it was during the first week of basketball cheerleading.
“Grooming” is defined as actions deliberately undertaken with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, to lower the child’s inhibitions in order to sexually abuse the child. Though I was not a child, I was a virgin. My parents never really filled me in on sexual acts- just the act itself. Neither did my school. Mentally, physically, and psychologically I was, and still am, well beyond my years, but sexually, I would have considered myself a child. I had no idea what sexual abuse even was, but he was in my house, doing things with and to me without my consent. Believe it or not, I didn’t know I had a choice. In my mind, I loved him and I was going to marry him one day despite the fact that he was angry, forceful, and cold. He was the man in the relationship, and so whatever he wanted was to be done without question. It wasn’t only because of this ideology that I stayed, but if I didn’t, he would distance himself from me, become angry, or push me into doing things with him anyway.
After we were done, I would be overwhelmed with confusion, anger, fear, and tears. It was uncontrollable. I would beg and plead to never do anything again, and he would give me his word, but somehow, we would be doing the same things the next day. Until one day, I firmly told him “no”. “No, I don’t want to do this,” I told him, but he started to touch me anyway. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so exhausted, so I thought I might has well enjoy it for what it’s worth- but shortly after, he gave me oral, and that was not okay. I remember closing my eyes- screaming in my head at him telling him it wasn’t okay to do that and that I didn’t give him permission. When I opened my eyes to look at him, he looked at me as if I was an animal being shot for the winning trophy. I think I will remember that look for the rest of my life.
He left me for my best friend shortly after. At that time, I still had no understanding of sexual abuse or manipulation. It hadn’t occurred to me until later exactly what had happened. So, I was infuriated when I found out that his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child and that my best friend was sleeping with him while he was still seeing me. After my own processing and with the help of mentors, therapists, and counselors, I have almost overcome this life changing experience and will continue to grow.
THE RED FLAGS:
I would like to attach some basic rules of assessing someone’s character:
1. What do they talk about?
If they talk excessively about ex’s, sexual experiences, partying, sexual images, or their heroism, it might be best to distance yourself
2. How old are they compared to your age?
If your pursuing a relationship with a full grown adult as a young teenager, be aware that there is danger ahead. There is absolutely no reason in the year 2010 why a man in his 20’s would be interested in a sophomore unless there were sexual reasons.
3. What is their attitude like? Are they fully available regularly and then flake for no reason?
It is less painful to be alone than to be in a relationship with an individual who is giving you the could shoulder and refuse to explain why
4. Do they yell, scream, insult, or cuss at you?
No matter what the circumstances are, insulting, yelling, or cursing at an individual is not acceptable behavior in any relationship. Period.
5. Do you feel worthless, unimportant to your partner or suffocated by their behavior?
If you do, realize that this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge your feelings or thoughts on the matter, than take into consideration the fact that they are exhibiting unhealthy patterns.
6. Do they continue to pursue sexual contact after telling them “no”?
If they do, you have every right to walk out on the relationship- regardless of any repercussions that might ensue
Don’t ever be afraid to leave someone who you don’t feel safe with. Your safety and comfort levels are the most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t trust your partner, you don’t have to stay with them.
Becoming A Warrior 