Dear Parents

To Any Parent Who’s Child Has Been Abused,

     I promise everything will be alright. I know that you’re blaming yourself. You’re asking yourself what could have been done different? You’re going over every detail in your head- picking at the little things that could have been a sign. You’re infuriated, depressed, confused, lost, and even insecure. Who can you trust? Where do you go? Should you report the abuse? What if the town, friends, family, or coworkers find out? You’re under the impression that they’ll exile you. You’re afraid they’ll tell you that it’s your fault- you should have known. You could have stopped it.

     The hardest part about being a parent of a child who’s been abused is putting your insecurity, fear, and blame aside. Please realize that there was nothing that could have changed what happened to your child. Whether or not you could have stopped it has to be put aside now for your child. This is why:

     Victims of abuse are extremely sensitive to words or phrases that their loved ones use. If there is a phrase that can cripple your child, it is saying “I’m sorry” or saying any phrase that has to do with how you’re hurting. Victims of abuse already blame themselves for what has happened- much like you might be doing to yourself already. Hearing that their parents or loved one is hurting because of what happened only transfers your emotions onto them. If you ever want to tell your child what you’re feeling, tell them that you love them and will be there for them if they ever need someone to listen. If they don’t talk about it, don’t interpret it as a anger towards you or panic about it. No one wants to talk about being exploited- expecially to those who are loved ones.

     Maybe you feel as though you have “fix” your child. You might force them to see a counselor or immediately press charges. In the case of a young child (12 years or younger), I would encourage you to take your child to a counselor. Don’t hint at the fact that you want them to go. Just ask them, “Billy, I was wondering if we could go to counseling together sometime. I realize that what has happened has been hard to figure out, and counselors are great at helping people. I’ll make an appointment for next week. Is that okay with you?” Always make sure to ask your child if their comfortable with seeing counselors, doctors, police officers, ect. Though this process is burdensome, make it into a positive experience. If rape or physcial abuse was involved and there is still evidence of the attack, immediately take your child to the hospital. Remember to not make a scene- your child has already been humiliated, and they don’t need their parent expressing the attack to the rest of the community.
     If your child is a teenager and young adult, you must learn to trust their judgement. Encourage counseling and involvement of the police, but do not tell them to do so. Pressure from the family against their wishes will make your child feel alienated- thus they will no longer open up about the experiences or how they feel which will inhibit healing. Support them, love them, and tell them you’re there for them if they ever decide to seek help. Again, if a rape or physcial abuse has taken place, and evidence is still visible, take your child to the hospital immediately regardless of their age, but don’t make a scene.

If your teenager or young adult is in an abusive relationship, let them know that you would like to talk to them about the signs of an abusive relationship, and create an open and positive discussion with your child. If they still don’t notice the abuse after talking about it, try inputting specific examples like: “I didn’t mean to listen to your conversation on the phone, but I noticed you were crying. I also have observed that Bobby has a tendancy to yell or scream at you. Do you ever think that you might deserve better from a boyfriend?” or “You know Katie, I’ve been seeing some odd bruises on your arms. I’m conserned for you- I will love you and be here for you no matter what. I know you love Josh, but if he’s been hurting you, you can always tell me.” This will give your child a way to start talking about the abuse wihtout feeling pressure. It might seem like a mountain to you, but it’s as simple as carying on a conversation with a friend.

     Lastely, if you feel like your child has wronged you for letting abuse take place, I would suggest you seek a mental health specialist. I don’t have much advice for you except that no one ever asks to be beated, raped, emotionally manipulated, or sexually abused. The topic is much more complicated than what it seems. Even if you don’t match any of the descriptions written, I would suggest that every member of the family seeks counseling. Abuse not only effects the victim, but the family as well.

     I know you will be a great parent and have the potential to help guide your child through these troubling times. Just remember, always ask if your child is comfortable with any new experience and be there for them as they begin to heal.

Sincerely,
Eliza Love
     

    

     

The Begining

Since this is my first post, I figured that I would start from the beginning and condense my own personal story…

Like most 16 year olds, I had a strong dislike for my family. I felt like I wasn’t supported, believed in, or trusted growing up, so I detached myself from family at a young age. I had many acquaintances but little friends. Whatever friends I did have I hardly trusted. One night, an acquaintance of mine came over with some friends to play manhunt in the back field.

One of the guests that night was tall, extremely confident, strong, and 22 years old. He was also an air force police officer. Or at least, that’s what he told me. Since he was in the military and a policeman, I trusted him with my life. Why wouldn’t I? He swore to uphold the law and protect citizens like me. Overtime we became close. He told me all about his girlfriend he was going to break-up with, the war stories in Afghanistan, and anything that had to do with the military. I told him all my hopes and dreams, the things that I hate the most, and almost every detail about who I was a person. I was starving for someone to care, and for the first three months of our “relationship” he seemed to care a lot. He was at my house to support me if my parents and I had a fight, he let me wear his dog-tags, and he always wanted to keep any physical contact to a minimum because he “cared about me” and “wanted to take it slow”.

When month four rolled around, he was anything but caring. He suddenly became unavailable when I needed him. When I would call, he would raise his voice and accuse me of being unbearable. Struggling with anxiety and acute depression, I called him in need. I continued to call until he answered- he didn’t have anything else to do that day. He had always answered. When he picked up the phone he was infuriated. He yelled and screamed, and when I told him I wanted to kill myself, he told me I should go ahead and do it. That’s just one example of the many times he would yell, insult, or become cold towards me for no legitimate reason. I stayed because I learned to trust him, he was one of the only people who had cared to listen, and I needed him to survive. I can’t remember when the grooming started, but it was during the first week of basketball cheerleading.

“Grooming” is defined as actions deliberately undertaken with the aim of befriending and establishing an emotional connection with a child, to lower the child’s inhibitions in order to sexually abuse the child. Though I was not a child, I was a virgin. My parents never really filled me in on sexual acts- just the act itself. Neither did my school. Mentally, physically, and psychologically I was, and still am, well beyond my years, but sexually, I would have considered myself a child. I had no idea what sexual abuse even was, but he was in my house, doing things with and to me without my consent. Believe it or not, I didn’t know I had a choice. In my mind, I loved him and I was going to marry him one day despite the fact that he was angry, forceful, and cold. He was the man in the relationship, and so whatever he wanted was to be done without question. It wasn’t only because of this ideology that I stayed, but if I didn’t, he would distance himself from me, become angry, or push me into doing things with him anyway.

After we were done, I would be overwhelmed with confusion, anger, fear, and tears. It was uncontrollable. I would beg and plead to never do anything again, and he would give me his word, but somehow, we would be doing the same things the next day. Until one day, I firmly told him “no”. “No, I don’t want to do this,” I told him, but he started to touch me anyway. I didn’t know what else to do. I was so exhausted, so I thought I might has well enjoy it for what it’s worth- but shortly after, he gave me oral, and that was not okay. I remember closing my eyes- screaming in my head at him telling him it wasn’t okay to do that and that I didn’t give him permission. When I opened my eyes to look at him, he looked at me as if I was an animal being shot for the winning trophy. I think I will remember that look for the rest of my life.  

He left me for my best friend shortly after. At that time, I still had no understanding of sexual abuse or manipulation. It hadn’t occurred to me until later exactly what had happened. So, I was infuriated when I found out that his ex girlfriend was pregnant with his child and that my best friend was sleeping with him while he was still seeing me. After my own processing and with the help of mentors, therapists, and counselors, I have almost overcome this life changing experience and will continue to grow.

THE RED FLAGS:
I would like to attach some basic rules of assessing someone’s character:

1. What do they talk about?
If they talk excessively about ex’s, sexual experiences, partying, sexual images, or their heroism, it might be best to distance yourself

2. How old are they compared to your age?
If your pursuing a relationship with a full grown adult as a young teenager, be aware that there is danger ahead. There is absolutely no reason in the year 2010 why a man in his 20’s would be interested in a sophomore unless there were sexual reasons.

3. What is their attitude like? Are they fully available regularly and then flake for no reason?
It is less painful to be alone than to be in a relationship with an individual who is giving you the could shoulder and refuse to explain why

4. Do they yell, scream, insult, or cuss at you?
No matter what the circumstances are, insulting, yelling, or cursing at an individual is not acceptable behavior in any relationship. Period.

5. Do you feel worthless, unimportant to your partner or suffocated by their behavior?
If you do, realize that this is a sign of an unhealthy relationship. If your partner is unwilling to acknowledge your feelings or thoughts on the matter, than take into consideration the fact that they are exhibiting unhealthy patterns.

6. Do they continue to pursue sexual contact after telling them “no”?
If they do, you have every right to walk out on the relationship- regardless of any repercussions that might ensue

 

Don’t ever be afraid to leave someone who you don’t feel safe with. Your safety and comfort levels are the most important thing in a relationship. If you can’t trust your partner, you don’t have to stay with them.